Nausea. Maybe a little heartburn and indigestion, but mostly nausea. No, I am not talking about my latest Mexican food experience. Nausea was what I felt when I woke up the morning of my own personal boudoir photo shoot.
For months I had been planning this day. As a boudoir photographer, I have taken numerous gorgeous pictures of beautiful women. I finally decided that it was MY turn to have the experience of a lifetime! I had attended a workshop at The Boudoir Divas(*) studio in San Diego and fell in love with them and their work. So when the opportunity to travel back to San Diego presented itself, I jumped at the chance to book a shoot with them. I practiced my posing and carefully planned what I would wear. My excitement built with every passing day!
But when I got out of bed on the day of my shoot, I saw my tired face and poorly lit body in the hotel mirror… and this was the point when I first felt the urge to hurl my previous evening’s dinner. All my insecurities came crashing in on me: I’m fat. My arms are flabby. My legs are fat and covered in cellulite. My butt looks like I inhaled the Goodyear blimp. I have three chins and my boobs are non-existent. Yes, this is what went through my head at rapid fire on the morning of my long-awaited, highly-anticipated boudoir photo shoot.
In addition to fighting the urge to throw up, I also fought the idea of cancelling the whole shoot. “Just cancel!” screamed my head. “You’re not one of THEM who look beautiful in photographs. You’re NOT beautiful. Why put yourself through this only to be disappointed? Cancel the appointment!!!” I stared at my reflection in the mirror… and realized that the fact I don’t believe I’m beautiful is exactly why I need to do this. I truly believe that all women are beautiful, and I need that belief to transfer to myself. So I took a deep breath and got ready for the shoot.
I arrived early, which is my nature for everything I do. I sat outside, read my book, and waited for the Divas to arrive. I felt my nervousness again. I tried to ignore all the thoughts forcing their way into my heart about being a big fat blob. I focused on my book. “I can do this,” I told myself. “I need to do this.” And then before I could run screaming from the studio door, the Divas arrived to welcome me in.
I got settled in the studio, still nervous as I looked around at all the stunning photos in their lobby. Thankfully, I felt extremely welcome in their space, which displaced those thoughts about not being worthy of this experience. I got my hair and makeup done, which did wonders to boost my confidence. For those that don’t know me very well, I’m not a “girly-girl” per se. I love boudoir and seeing others being girly and being surrounded by girly things, but I am definitely more comfortable riding a quad than getting makeup done. But when I saw my eyes with false eyelashes for the first time… wow… was that me in the mirror? My eyes were amazing! And I finally started to relax.
The package I picked allowed me to have four set/outfit changes, which was fantastic because we had so much time to just play! I had Kimee as my photographer and was super psyched! She is very quirky, fun, positive and relaxed. I love to feed off that type of energy. And I relaxed some more.
When the actual shooting began, I laughed. I am a photographer, not a model. At least that was what my brain told me as I sat down and got ready to pose. Kimee got the camera ready to snap my first shot, at which point I asked if I could take HER photos instead. I’d be MUCH more comfortable behind that camera rather than in front! She laughed and told me to just relax and breathe. So I did. And it was at that point that a switch went on in my head: Just go with it! I released my fear in that breath. I released my insecurities. I released myself to the experience.
After the first shoot, I went back to my dressing room to change into the next outfit, only to find that I was having makeup issues. Here I was working really hard to feel sexy… and my false eyelashes were falling off! I called out to Kimee, “Help!” and she came to fix it for me – she’s talented – photographer AND makeup artist! I tell you this because I do not want you thinking that a photo shoot, even with the best of the best, always goes smoothly. But through some laughter and a tube of glue, we got through the crisis. Professional and relaxed; that’s how a boudoir photo shoot should be.
We then went through the remaining three shoots, laughing and joking and having fun. The model in me came out and I channelled everything I apparently have learned while watching all 14 seasons of America’s Next Top Model. The posing, the expressions, the arching, the tilting my head toward the light… it all came together. I was in the zone and I loved it! I felt strong. I felt powerful. I was no longer invisible and just taking up space. I was there to fill the room! This was MY moment and I was shining! We played with a few props and a couple really cute hats! I even went topless for a few shots (yet still covered of course) and I felt totally empowered with my female self. I was proud of myself – I was proud to be me! And I felt beautiful, truly beautiful.
After the shoot, I enjoyed a nice leisurely lunch as I waited for my “premiere.” I was very relaxed at this point. I knew that the shoot went well – I knew it in my core. I was not nervous at all anymore. I was just excited to see the images!
When I finally got to see the images for the first time, I initially wondered if they had mixed up my shots with someone else. The person I saw on the screen was gorgeous. Flawless skin, gorgeous blue eyes, curly blonde hair, cute button nose, luscious lips… who was that person? Oh… it’s me!!! The images were amazing – shot after shot of me in lingerie and looking… beautiful! I consciously took another breath. This time it wasn’t to calm myself down though. This time it was to breathe in the sheer joy of the moment.
Of course, there were images that I liked more than others, which was all part of the process to narrow down the shots for my album. I first narrowed them down on a gut-feeling level – yes I LOVE that one, no not that one, etc. – a quick and dirty process. Then we went through them again to choose my final album images. When we finished the cutting process, I felt awesome. I knew that the 25 images I picked were the “crème de la crème” and I knew that my album would forever be a fantastic reminder of my own beauty. A book filled with stunning images of beautiful me. Yes, I said it. Beautiful me. This process helped to remind me that all women are beautiful, and that includes me! What a complete turn around from initially wanting to throw up!
Thank you to The Boudoir Divas for helping me come to this realization. And thank you to myself for loving myself enough to NOT cancel the photo shoot that morning.
Many people think boudoir is just to receive photos to give to their significant other. I believe it is more for the model herself. If there is a significant other to show the images to, then that is simply a plus rather than the whole reason for the experience. Do if for yourself, ladies! Give yourself this incredible confidence boost. Your inner beauty deserves it!
Tracy Somerville
(*) The Boudoir Divas are internationally renowned photographers in San Diego, California. http://www.theboudoirdivas.com/
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